In Andrew’s last blog, which was about some of the insensitive comments we have to deal with, he mentioned that I’ve got something special planned about the subject. Here’s a link to the post if you want to read about Andrew’s views on five of those comments: however, if you’ve already read it here’s a reminder about his last paragraph …
“You will be pleased to hear that after 20 rude and insensitive comments, spread across four blogs, Nicci’s finally got to the end of her list. So what happens next? What do we do with this information, because knowledge is power? How can exploring these comments actually help us, apart from the obvious benefit of allowing us to rant? Well Nicci’s got something special planned which, back pain and morphine permitting, she’ll share in her next post.”
Well I do have something that I am REALLY REALLY (!) excited about. However, I’m not going to share it with you today. I not attempting to increase interest by teasing you: I simply have to be careful about how much I can do each day and I’ve run out of spoons again. Another week of working gently on the “project” will see it ready for sharing. So what I am I going to write about instead?
You’ll be pleased to hear that it’s something else that I am REALLY REALLY excited about! (I get excited about a lot of things these days which is such a huge difference to how I was feeling a year ago). As many of you know I’m in the process of writing my first book about infertility and I recently shared the first draft of a chapter from “Broken Yet Not Destroyed” with the members of my on-line support group. The response was so encouraging that I decided it was time to start sharing some excerpts of the book with you: especially as one member commented “I want to share it with my friends already”. So far I’ve written about 11k words which means I’m roughly half way through the first draft. The second half shouldn’t take too long to write as I have more time: one advantage of being forced to take it easy because of my back is that I can spend more time writing! Until I have a clearer idea of publication dates etc I’m planning to publish excerpts from one of the completed chapters over the next four weeks. We can then see where I am in terms of finishing the manuscript and sending it to the printers. Oh and the “book cover” is a mock-up just so I had an image to use!
Helena from East Yorkshire wrote …. Well Nicci ….WELL DONE !!!! Every word felt like my own. There is nothing (in my opinion) that you need to change. A round of applause and a huge HUG coming your way XXX
Helena from East Yorkshire wrote ….
Well Nicci ….WELL DONE !!!! Every word felt like my own. There is nothing (in my opinion) that you need to change. A round of applause and a huge HUG coming your way XXX
Liz from Derbyshire wrote …. WOW! Completely amazing! I love it and want to share it with my friends already (though don’t worry I wouldn’t do so until you are ready!) Thank you for saying the words I struggle to do!! XXX
Liz from Derbyshire wrote ….
WOW! Completely amazing! I love it and want to share it with my friends already (though don’t worry I wouldn’t do so until you are ready!) Thank you for saying the words I struggle to do!! XXX
Dear “soon to be pregnant” girlfriend
I am writing this because our relationship is very important to me and before hormones kick in and feelings can be hurt I want to share with you what life is like for me. As you know I am struggling to cope with my infertility and the prospect that I may never have children. I won’t burden you with all the pain it causes me on a regular basis yet I want you to be aware that there may be difficult times ahead for both of us. Why? Because I know that you are trying to conceive. When you are successful, your pregnancy could put a strain on our friendship and I wanted to share my point of view to prevent that from happening. Knowledge is power and together we can ensure your pregnancy announcement is a happy occasion for both of us. I want you to appreciate that …
Infertility makes dealing with pregnancy news difficult
I’m going to be brutally honest with you here. I am going to feel jealous when you tell me you are pregnant. If we’re lucky that jealousy will only be fleeting: however, it might rear its ugly head again as your pregnancy progresses. Why? Well I’m going to be watching someone I care for going on a journey that I desperately want to experience for myself too. How do I know I will feel jealous? Well I already feel if about people that I don’t know: the woman standing in the queue at the bus stop and the couple sitting in the park stroking their bump. There have been times when it’s felt as though the whole world is pregnant except for me. Life is not fare. Infertility is not fair and I admit it I am jealous!
How does that make me feel?
AWFUL! Jealousy is such a negative emotion, that eats away at the soul. Not only that but I feel so ashamed and guilty about feeling it. After all, if I can be jealous that you are so happy what does that say about me as a person or as a friend? How could I do that to you? Well it’s because I am angry and jealous that everyone is having children except me. I know this is wrong: it’s not everyone else’s fault that they are pregnant, just as it is not my fault that I cannot conceive. On a regular basis I ride the roller-coaster of emotions not knowing where the twists and turns will be. Not knowing when the relative stability of a “flat” stretch will suddenly plunge into the depths of despair.
The route is continually changing so each time I ride that roller-coaster it is not the same as the last time. I can rarely plan ahead to protect myself from the bad times: however, there are some regular triggers and a friend becoming pregnant is one of those. However, not all of the emotional shades of infertility will manifest themselves when you tell me you are pregnant yet experience has told me that a fair few of them will. There’s going to be a lot of jealousy, anger, shame and guilt going on which doesn’t leave a lot of space for being happy for you. However, I will work on all these negative emotions so that I can support you because I know that you will endeavour to support me through my dark days in return. All of my negative emotions will probably make you feel apprehensive …
However, please don’t avoid or delay telling me that you are pregnant …
because the longer you leave it the worse it will get. I know that you are worried in case your news causes me pain. You are right, it will: however, that pain would be nothing compared to what I would feel if I found out about your pregnancy from someone else. Worse still if I found out on Facebook when you post a photo of you and your proud “bump”. So just bite the bullet and tell me.
…. to be continued …..
I’ve created a new “category” called “Broken Yet Not Destroyed” so you can easily search for all the excerpts if you miss any of them, plus I’ll make sure I include links to the earlier excerpts in the subsequent blogs.
If what I have written has resonated with you I would love to hear your comments. I want this book to express the feelings that so many people in our situation struggle to share: the more I know about how you feel the easier it will be for me to achieve this aim.